trying to love herself.

This is a girl who's trying to love herself.

I'm slowly learning that a soft stomach doesn't make me less worthy of adoration; a hair out of place won't matter in the long run; making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person; all humans are fallible; my scars don't make me unlovable. I've been loved for years despite and for all these "flaws", just not by the most important person - me.

I always see each "imperfection" as another reason why people shouldn't like me, when in other people I see them as interesting, relatable, and endearing. We are all so different that there's no point in comparing one another. I know this deep down.

I'm hoping this is the turning point that it feels like. I'm hoping this is me laying the foundations to build a loving relationship with myself. It's time to be a friend.

Spring is coming, and I will bloom.

I posted this photo to Instagram a couple of weeks ago, with the words above.

I was really nervous to share it. I very nearly didn't. I turned off all my notifications as soon as I hit "share" - scared of any backlash or controversy it might cause.

But there was only an outpouring of love, comments saying they felt the same. It was comforting to know I wasn't on my own in feeling this way - everyone else always seemed to be doing better than me.

It's no secret that I've lost myself over the past 6 months or so - somehow getting completely consumed by my own thoughts and fear has caused this - people noticed me withdrawing, not being myself, people felt like they were losing me, watching me disappear. 

I felt like I was losing me too, but I kind of wanted to. I didn't believe that I was good enough; I had a constant stream of negative criticism in my head. It was tiring and overwhelming, and I ended up pushing things and people away, scared they wouldn't like what they'd see, scared that I would fail. 

At the end of January, I started a self esteem course, which I was referred to after CBT at the end of last year. I was dubious about it, but I didn't really have anything left to lose, and I didn't want to feel this way anymore, so I went along. 

Slowly, I've been learning about how self doubt and low self esteem work, and how we can change our mindset to accept ourselves. I've shared a bit of this on Twitter, but I'd love to explain it in more detail, if people are interested - it seems like a lot of us could use it! 

It's still a work in progress, and I know I need to keep going over the information, reminding myself that I'm worthy of love, that my opinions are valid, and all the rest, but I feel like I'm starting to come out the other side. I feel like a weight has been lifted - I don't have to constantly worry how many calories are in something, if I'm coming across as stupid, who's going to die next. I can feel myself saying what I think without fear of the consequence. I'm starting to be assertive with what I want. I think I'm ok. I'm learning how freeing honesty can be.

Low self esteem is not something we have to live with, and all of us deserve to feel like we are enough, as our true self. 

If you feel like your self esteem is impacting on your life, please try talking to somebody close to you, your GP, or you can often self-refer yourself to certain services. This is the one I used in Bristol.

Look after yourself, you are worth it. 

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